unfinished and delayed

I'm so sure by now that money is never the issue,

my only issue is why not having any 

creates in me this incredibly painful state of uncertainty and insecurity

a feeling that goes beyond my intuition and just let me feeling worthless.

I know money cannot be the issue, I mean, I'm not dying, 

I do have where to sleep and what to eat, 

but I'm so depressed, I guess I have always measure success in terms of money

I totally blame it on the stupid fucking capitalism.  

And then I just block all the ways for money.

And then when I get in this kind of crisis, I noticed

I always look for reassurance from man, that everything is going to be fine,

so I guess it comes from my dad, this need of having money to feel I'm worthy. 

I don't want to blame it on him, he just works so hard, that is almost impossible for me to be like him.  I guess I just don't have it in me, I need to accept that, I just need to accept it and let go. 

But then I get so scare, asking myself what the fuck! am i doing with my life?

am I making it worth?, or I just keep loosing my time, my productive years, my life.

Sometime I catch myself just having this fantasies, thinking that things are going to be easy for me, 

that everything I want will be just given to me, that I will just have time to enjoy, to travel, and also to be near my family. But they are just fantasies, everything gets harder every single minute. 

I'm here, trying my best, and my best is not enough to pay the fucking rent in NY!, I'm so tired of not having the time I would ike