I feel a huge feeling of emptiness within me,
I feel far, sad, senseless, tired, off.
I want something or nothing, i want me, I'm far from me.
I don't know what is going on inside, but something is definitely on,
the lack of nicotine perhaps, the lack of sex (finally) or maybe it is just the lack of sense.
I'm just lacking happiness.
____
It's been 2 days since I wrote the lines above, and nothing has really changed.
I still feel weird, maybe a little bit more relax, or just slow, but still, insanely, desperately, kind of sickly and annoyingly: sad.
I'm lonely, well, I'm actually not lonely, I just feel like it, I would love to have someone to look after me in a romantic kind of way, but again, I just keep holding on to the wrong guys I've met; from the ones from years and years ago, to the ones I met just last month. They are not the ones, they are not treating me like I would like, they don't even like me in an honest way, they are just there, and I'm letting them, I'm tired, and sick of that, and didn't realize it until last weekend.
What is wrong with me?, why do I put my self in that position, the not privileged one. Sometime I feel, I'm fearing to let them go, and why!?, they are not even "here", they are not even close to the one I'm still waiting for, they are not even fucking hot!. They are just they, and I'm a really confused version of myself in this moment that I'm not even following the track I want, because now I'm not even sure which one it is (Yes!, that confused!).
Now, my ego is still in pain, I admit it. Maybe is already in the suffering stage, but I still feel a little pain, and even when I know it is just my ego, who the fuck does he think he is to just put me aside?, and because this is my blog I own it to myself to be honest, so here it goes: My ego is not even crushed because he didn't give me the attention I felt I deserved1, and also was a complete asshole without being one (thing that actually makes it worst when it comes to ego). My ego is crushed, because I cannot even remember when I lost my power, or when I decided to put it aside. It's crushed because my intuition spoke to me all night long and I decided not to listen, and I also ask other people for answers when I already had them, and even when they "solved" the freaking "problem" for me, I again didn't listen and opt for the wrong option. So ... this is why my ego is crushed, because I still remember there was a time when I listen to my intuition, when I had the power to say no when the situation wasn't what I wanted, there was a time when I was not afraid of being just me, and now I realize that I just started saying yes to everything because I'm so scare of ending up completely alone. And yes!, that is the core reason: my ego is in fucking pain, because my whole life I thought I was independent enough to survive being me, with myself and I, and suddenly far from puberty, I'm finding myself trying to please stupid guys (really stupid ones, not kidding), and even trying other options when is not even what I really am, just because I want someone to love me so desperately bad!. Is sad, and is also lame... so now that I finally write it down, I will stop!, if boys don't like me because I want flowers and dates, if they don't like me because I don't want to have sex right away, if they don't like me because I'm not super short and skinny and have this 'i don't kill a fly' kind of face, so be it!, they can go far, really far away from me, and even when it hurts so bad just to think about it, if nobody ever likes me this way and I never find, who ever I've been looking for my whole existence and I'm just not what boys look for in a girl, then I will be by myself, but with my true self, not with someone who is putting herself at last just to hold on to guys who doesn't like her, just to keep options available.
I have like 5 candles lighted up, 5 doors that are not close but still are not open... so fuck the candles, my grandma was not right!. I don't want to have 5 or 6 or 7 candles half on, I just want to have one that never ever goes off.
So ... no more text to Amado he may be always there for me whenever I need him, but I don't need him, and he does not love me at all, and let's be honest (yes, again!), we are not even friends. No more english lessons to Adam, he does not even remember my voice, and also, even when we had an amazing summer love a few years ago, we are not even compatible. No more photography tips for Adham, at the end he will always go for the most expensive camera to buy, even tho he does not even know what aperture means!, he also does not know what a tampon is, and has a muslim girlfriend that he has to marry because she loves him so much he has no reason (guts) to end things with her (btw so Amado of him), not to mention her daddy is Adham's daddy golf pal, they have cheetahs and lions as pets and I hardly take care of a dog. Even when it was fun to take a quick look to a Dubai's rich guy's life, my life is not with him, and also he is not my friend so good bye. No more answering calls from Sagey, the jewish guy who told me in our second date that he wants to become more religious because he has this dream of marrying an Israeli girl, common Pamela, why haven't you block him already?. Also David, he can be a potential friend, and I will not deny is a really fun guy, is cool to hang out with him, and also he definitely put some sugar and spice to my 5 minutes breaks at work, but still I don't really like him physically, and he only wants sex, we haven't had, but he made it clear i guess, so why should I even keep texting back and forward with him, we don't really have much to talk about, we just met a few days before I came back home, and I won't see him in a long time, so why should I keep texting him?, David's candle you need to be blown off, because it was a fling, and I'm now really serious when I say I want something more, I want a relationship with someone, and I wanted to start romantically not sexually. And Elias, the last weekend ass who made me realize all of this. I really liked him but it was after he followed me in a party until he convince me and I agree, then I liked him even more, but I never really liked him to begin with (so typical of me).
Now that I'm being honest, I will point Pam's almost tradition: to fall for guys who started first. And that is shit!, because it just shows I'm so insecure that when some guy tells me you, I say yes!, even tho I didn't find them hot or amusing or interesting or nothing in the start, then I agree and I hang on them tags that doesn't belong to them, and start idealizing them and give them more than what they actually have, so not anymore. Elias even when you are really muscly, you are short as fuck for me, your smile is beautiful but your face is really average, I don't do average, your introversion even when I wanted to think it can be interesting and mysterious lets be real, its only that you have nothing to talk about, then you get drunk and you kind of say a few things, but nothing that gets my attention, so again average. I think you are a really nice boy, but I don't find you interesting, I regret throwing myself at you when I knew you where trying to get someone else's attention, I made it a competition with myself, and even when it hurts because it felt like a failure, after writing this I think it was actually needed, so not recovered yet but with much more clarity, I completely blow this candle with gratitude, and a little bit of spit (that last thing was my ego, sorry).
Then, also I need to thank someone who was there for me while I was trying to re-discover myself, now I know that was not the path for me to follow. This is the path to follow: accept myself and my demands, not let the fear of losing stop me from asking, because I do deserve.
Beside the candle things, today I need to say "fuck it" to this thing I learn while growing up that is definitely not true and it is screwing my life bad. Ladies and gentleman, a big fuck no to: "I need to sacrifice to deserve". I now know I don't!. I was almost sacrificing my true self, I was sacrificing so much personal growth, just to finally deserve the love words and attention of guys that don't even love themselves. I do love myself, I was just playing someone I'm not. I'm actually very decisive, I know what I want and what I like, I'm smart and I don't enjoy stupid boys, I like sense of humor that also shows brains, and I love to be treated like a princess, because I deserve that and much more. I've been loyal to myself for so many years, and yes, I haven't found love but suddenly when I started playing this girl I'm not, I started to attract so many boys and I never been more sad. So I don't want them, I just want to keep dreaming like I use to while listening to Frank Sinatra because thanks to that I'm now living in NY, so I bet soon I will have my stranger in the night.
Again I do deserve, and again just to be more than clear, I don't need to be lighting candles wherever I go, I have my own light to guide me, and I only need one more light to keep me on. not 1000, just one, and I know he will recognize me as soon as he sees me. I have always known it, I was just lacking faith this past months, it can be part of the crisis of moving to NYC, but all the way from home in Mexico, today, I declare it OVER!.
Next step,
*Heal my ear while finally listening to myself, I don't need others to reinforce things I already know for sure (common! Im a blue deer, intuition has always been my power!).
*Buy my flight ticket.
*Enjoy my family and friends the most i can while I'm here.
*Go back really healed, and energetic.
*Meditate as a habit, not as a hobby.
*Start work and enjoy as much as I can my life in the city.
*Do money to travel next year or at the end of this.
*When the good weather starts if I still need to, find a better job.
*Then while living in the present with the guts I used to have, and I will grow back, be aware for the love of my life. he may be around. :D
The End.
Officially less sad and confused than when I started writing, so that was it...I'm glad it came out. After this I'm sure my ear will be ready to heal, I just needed to take out my deepest fears and the frustration that came with them. I hope to be more happy everyday, life is one, and is also short.
I have work so much in myself and I'm such a good hearted person that I never again will allow myself to be put in an uncomfortable position for a guy I dont even like, a guy that does not even like me enough. My ego from now on needs to accept Im not to be like by everyone. And I can also choose who I like. I'm strong yet I feel alone. I'm smart yet I'm insecure, I'm hard working yet I love to sleep, I love to write yet I hate structure, I'm a dreamer yet I can be very negative. I'm tall and not skinny yet I have a beautiful body, I'm a leo and yet I can be really sweet. I don't have tact but yet I'm a really good friend of those few ones that I consider my friends. so... this is me, not perfect at all, again not to be liked by everyone, but I love who I'm and even more who I'm becoming with the years. I know whatever I do I do it with my heart, so I will not expose my heart doing things for people who is not willing to take good care of me and my feelings. All of the candles that I just turn off can suck it up and just leave!. I dont even want to hear from you guys anymore. And if I do, I will only answe if I feel like it, with this in mind: I do not expect nothing from you. and I will not give anything at least Im being treated like a princess and i feel like it. PERIOD.
YOU ARE GONE NOW.
